Now I know what I am
Not yet who
but just what
It’s not my fault
but the damage is done
There is no cure
no matter what I’ve been
told
Denial is a Band-Aid
that keeps slipping
off
Words are not too strong
a medicine
It is a cure
It is a strength
I’m still not too sure
The calculation will
never
change
Sunday, September 16, 2007
A Passage in Her Journal
the sky had a 2:1 ratio of
blue over black for now
'One Way' signs seemed to
be on every other block
a familiar car glides to
the same beat of the girl's
strides-
she's been followed for the
past five minutes or so
the windows were tinted so
dark; she was surprised the
driver never got a ticket
like a dog seeking a master
the vehicle took turns rolling
behind her
as well as next to her
but it never went ahead
any other day, she would
have been annoyed and told
the driver to "Fuck Off!"
while running away-
that's ironic
today she was running away to
flee her troubles at home
her duffel bag with a pink
teddy bear's head sticking
out started to get heavy
already
but she was doing fine until
that car showed up
on impulse she stopped and the
car stopped as well
she nearly touched the door
handle but thought twice
the shiny chrome was getting
dimmer as the night was
banishing the day to a far away
corner
a street light flashed but she
was barely able to make out a
silhouette
the driver never moved from his
sitting position
she started to walk backwards
keeping her eye on the car-
it never moved an inch
she couldn't tell if the driver
was looking at her from the rear
view mirror or was about to exit
the motorized lodging
all she knew was the trace of
temptation to investigate was
replaced by a gut reaction to
return home
that flash of heat that shot down
her chest towards her inner thighs
earlier turned cold
suddenly the problems at home became
more trivial as she retraced her steps
back to her safe haven
the car remained in it's spot and she
wondered if it would find her again
should she decide a week's punishment
was too much to bear
maybe she was as spoiled as everyone said...
blue over black for now
'One Way' signs seemed to
be on every other block
a familiar car glides to
the same beat of the girl's
strides-
she's been followed for the
past five minutes or so
the windows were tinted so
dark; she was surprised the
driver never got a ticket
like a dog seeking a master
the vehicle took turns rolling
behind her
as well as next to her
but it never went ahead
any other day, she would
have been annoyed and told
the driver to "Fuck Off!"
while running away-
that's ironic
today she was running away to
flee her troubles at home
her duffel bag with a pink
teddy bear's head sticking
out started to get heavy
already
but she was doing fine until
that car showed up
on impulse she stopped and the
car stopped as well
she nearly touched the door
handle but thought twice
the shiny chrome was getting
dimmer as the night was
banishing the day to a far away
corner
a street light flashed but she
was barely able to make out a
silhouette
the driver never moved from his
sitting position
she started to walk backwards
keeping her eye on the car-
it never moved an inch
she couldn't tell if the driver
was looking at her from the rear
view mirror or was about to exit
the motorized lodging
all she knew was the trace of
temptation to investigate was
replaced by a gut reaction to
return home
that flash of heat that shot down
her chest towards her inner thighs
earlier turned cold
suddenly the problems at home became
more trivial as she retraced her steps
back to her safe haven
the car remained in it's spot and she
wondered if it would find her again
should she decide a week's punishment
was too much to bear
maybe she was as spoiled as everyone said...
A March Drive-by
we sat on my couch sipping
on raspberry rum
the sweet burn making my mouth scorch
while the heat of the liquor going down
made me glisten with sweat
i turned my head towards my shy
date and realized that we were gonna
get it on
“Drink up!” i teased, and grinned as his
body started to loosen up after draining the rum
his hand landed on my thigh and he blushed-
but he never removed that hand
i swooped in with a kiss that nearly made him
drop his glass
he fumbled to place the glass on the table and
i couldn’t give a shit if it made it there or not
my heaving chest was begging for his hands
to go there-to reach under the shirt, dammit and
let those sensitive tits free from the restraining bra
he took a swig out of my glass then complied as the trace
of rum in his mouth had my nipples like pencil erasers
my hands went to his crotch and was i ever surprised
to grab a more than a handful of hard dick instead of jeans;
the turtle was taking the lead in this race now
gone were the clothes as i poured the liquor on his
chest and let my tongue follow suit past his “Happy
Trail” and towards the throb
i appreciated the grooming as my head went up and down
like a merry-go-round horse as a slew of Oh shit!s and Damn!s
flew out of his mouth
he grabbed my ass and messaged it as his hips kept bucking
he soon flipped the script and had my thighs around his ears
as he had me calling the Lord, God, Jehovah, Hayah or Jesus
i didn’t have to direct traffic as he knew his way around
downtown; taking slow turns and dipping in and out of tunnels
he had me at turned out status before reaching for the Trojan
Magnums in his wallet and walking towards my room
i did a little dance and clapped softly before following-
he wasn’t fronting as he needed those Magnums…
that liquor made old braveheart lay on his back with his hands
clasped behind his head-i climbed on top and my walls were gripping
for traction as i didn’t want to be impaled
he challenged me with a “C’mon, now!” and that’s when i took it like
a champ and got to riding the dick like i was trying to make it to work
he was trying to wreck the infrastructure, but kitty wasn’t a punk
then he lifted me up and had me on my knees as his balls were playing
slap boxing with my ass
my face in the pillow biting and screaming into it like the bed banging
around wasn’t going to have the neighbors complaining
his grip on my hips tightened and he quickened his pumping and before
long we both didn’t want to see the spazzed looks in each other’s faces
as we came hard, me for the second time
he was granted an overnight stay, with a sausage, grits, cheese eggs, toast and
the sports section of the paper breakfast
he might have walked in a lamb, but he came out a lion
on raspberry rum
the sweet burn making my mouth scorch
while the heat of the liquor going down
made me glisten with sweat
i turned my head towards my shy
date and realized that we were gonna
get it on
“Drink up!” i teased, and grinned as his
body started to loosen up after draining the rum
his hand landed on my thigh and he blushed-
but he never removed that hand
i swooped in with a kiss that nearly made him
drop his glass
he fumbled to place the glass on the table and
i couldn’t give a shit if it made it there or not
my heaving chest was begging for his hands
to go there-to reach under the shirt, dammit and
let those sensitive tits free from the restraining bra
he took a swig out of my glass then complied as the trace
of rum in his mouth had my nipples like pencil erasers
my hands went to his crotch and was i ever surprised
to grab a more than a handful of hard dick instead of jeans;
the turtle was taking the lead in this race now
gone were the clothes as i poured the liquor on his
chest and let my tongue follow suit past his “Happy
Trail” and towards the throb
i appreciated the grooming as my head went up and down
like a merry-go-round horse as a slew of Oh shit!s and Damn!s
flew out of his mouth
he grabbed my ass and messaged it as his hips kept bucking
he soon flipped the script and had my thighs around his ears
as he had me calling the Lord, God, Jehovah, Hayah or Jesus
i didn’t have to direct traffic as he knew his way around
downtown; taking slow turns and dipping in and out of tunnels
he had me at turned out status before reaching for the Trojan
Magnums in his wallet and walking towards my room
i did a little dance and clapped softly before following-
he wasn’t fronting as he needed those Magnums…
that liquor made old braveheart lay on his back with his hands
clasped behind his head-i climbed on top and my walls were gripping
for traction as i didn’t want to be impaled
he challenged me with a “C’mon, now!” and that’s when i took it like
a champ and got to riding the dick like i was trying to make it to work
he was trying to wreck the infrastructure, but kitty wasn’t a punk
then he lifted me up and had me on my knees as his balls were playing
slap boxing with my ass
my face in the pillow biting and screaming into it like the bed banging
around wasn’t going to have the neighbors complaining
his grip on my hips tightened and he quickened his pumping and before
long we both didn’t want to see the spazzed looks in each other’s faces
as we came hard, me for the second time
he was granted an overnight stay, with a sausage, grits, cheese eggs, toast and
the sports section of the paper breakfast
he might have walked in a lamb, but he came out a lion
Survive the Night
Something in the wind gives me a
chill
I turn over to my baby and he’s sleeping
still
Walking over to close the window gave me a
fright
This just may be the end of us
tonight
He’s laying on his back with a peaceful
face
I cowardly write a note detailing about my need
for space
As I slide in my jeans to take off into the
night
The end is near; I’d like to avoid a nasty
fight
I have my reasons for letting him go
Even when I was telling the truth when I told him
I loved him so
My fear of commitment made me
ponder until the daylight
I snuggle next to his warm body
We survived another night…
chill
I turn over to my baby and he’s sleeping
still
Walking over to close the window gave me a
fright
This just may be the end of us
tonight
He’s laying on his back with a peaceful
face
I cowardly write a note detailing about my need
for space
As I slide in my jeans to take off into the
night
The end is near; I’d like to avoid a nasty
fight
I have my reasons for letting him go
Even when I was telling the truth when I told him
I loved him so
My fear of commitment made me
ponder until the daylight
I snuggle next to his warm body
We survived another night…
Mistress?
I’m nothing more than a glorified hooker. I just spent the last 15 minutes blowing my married “boyfriend” in his car, which was parked in an abandoned warehouse parking lot. I even supplied the tissues and tossed them out the car while he sat back grinning like a Cheshire cat. He had the nerve to stroke my hair and the look of venom I shot him froze that shit up. He knew I was pissed because today was the day we were supposed to go out for the first time. He swore that he was too paranoid to take me someplace nice. “Why can’t we go somewhere way out of town?” I’d insist, but he’d never answer. Of course when he called me, I could tell by the way he was hemming and hawing that dinner wasn’t going to happen. “I don’t have that much time to spend with you today…” he began and I knew what was up. “I guess you’re my trick again.” I snapped just to make him feel like the piece of shit he was. He began mumbling about feelings and I had to cut him off: “Please don’t. Just have my money like you promised and don’t give me any bullshit about forgetting your ATM card neither!” I hung up the phone on his ass.
As usual, he picks me up at the local mall not far from his job. I want to laugh when I see his wrinkly, balding ass coming to swoop me up in his black convertible. “You’re just a sexy motherfucker, ain’t you?” I always ask and that just tickles him to death. It makes me want to vomit since he actually believes this shit. He’s just a sight, wearing shades with the few hairs he does have on his head combed over—sometimes, just to mess with him I flick my fingers through the sparse bird’s nest just to make him whine. “Why don’t you just shave that shit off?” I once blurted out and hurt his feelings. I had to smooth things over (as well as his 5 strands of hair) that day to make him happy. At least one of us was happy that day.
Whenever I get home from our “outings” I wash him off of me and just stare into the mirror. “What are you doing?” I ask myself always, and then I lapse into denial about him being my ‘Mr. Right Now’ until the real thing comes along. Then I get on the phone and laugh it up with my girlfriends about him never lasting more than 90 seconds and how he tricked me off that day. “Girl…I wish I had an old man like that…” one out the group would usually say while the other would echo her sentiments. I roll my eyes every time because each one of those heifers actually has someone. None of them have to hike up their skirts and get fucked like a dog in a parked car or in some skeevy motel with hourly rates. None of them are alone on Valentine’s Day. And none of them have to curl up to cold gift cards and cash to keep them warm at night. They’re the lucky ones and don’t even know it.
Yea I know…why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I tell him to go to hell and end this shit? I dunno…I’ve become ice cold and have hardened myself since fooling with this man for the past two years. I went from “I’ll have my fun for a little while…” to “He’s all I have.” I’ve developed a prostitute’s mindset and that frightens me. I don’t know how to be affectionate. I wouldn’t know how to react if a kind man happened to approach me—I’d probably tell the ‘loser’ to fuck off. Without a fist full of 20’s in his hand he would be wasting my motherfucking time. I don’t even get a chill shooting down my spine for thinking that way anymore. I’m damaged goods.
So, as I become more lazy and stagnant in my situation, I can’t ask anyone to feel sorry for me. This man has a wife and 3 kids at home, and one away at college. I can’t think about them though. As long as I continue to leave red lipstick rings around his dick and whoop and holler for our 1-½ minutes in the sack, I’ll be ok. Well, that is until he gets tired of me; then I’ll be on the lookout for another sugardaddy.
As usual, he picks me up at the local mall not far from his job. I want to laugh when I see his wrinkly, balding ass coming to swoop me up in his black convertible. “You’re just a sexy motherfucker, ain’t you?” I always ask and that just tickles him to death. It makes me want to vomit since he actually believes this shit. He’s just a sight, wearing shades with the few hairs he does have on his head combed over—sometimes, just to mess with him I flick my fingers through the sparse bird’s nest just to make him whine. “Why don’t you just shave that shit off?” I once blurted out and hurt his feelings. I had to smooth things over (as well as his 5 strands of hair) that day to make him happy. At least one of us was happy that day.
Whenever I get home from our “outings” I wash him off of me and just stare into the mirror. “What are you doing?” I ask myself always, and then I lapse into denial about him being my ‘Mr. Right Now’ until the real thing comes along. Then I get on the phone and laugh it up with my girlfriends about him never lasting more than 90 seconds and how he tricked me off that day. “Girl…I wish I had an old man like that…” one out the group would usually say while the other would echo her sentiments. I roll my eyes every time because each one of those heifers actually has someone. None of them have to hike up their skirts and get fucked like a dog in a parked car or in some skeevy motel with hourly rates. None of them are alone on Valentine’s Day. And none of them have to curl up to cold gift cards and cash to keep them warm at night. They’re the lucky ones and don’t even know it.
Yea I know…why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I tell him to go to hell and end this shit? I dunno…I’ve become ice cold and have hardened myself since fooling with this man for the past two years. I went from “I’ll have my fun for a little while…” to “He’s all I have.” I’ve developed a prostitute’s mindset and that frightens me. I don’t know how to be affectionate. I wouldn’t know how to react if a kind man happened to approach me—I’d probably tell the ‘loser’ to fuck off. Without a fist full of 20’s in his hand he would be wasting my motherfucking time. I don’t even get a chill shooting down my spine for thinking that way anymore. I’m damaged goods.
So, as I become more lazy and stagnant in my situation, I can’t ask anyone to feel sorry for me. This man has a wife and 3 kids at home, and one away at college. I can’t think about them though. As long as I continue to leave red lipstick rings around his dick and whoop and holler for our 1-½ minutes in the sack, I’ll be ok. Well, that is until he gets tired of me; then I’ll be on the lookout for another sugardaddy.
Hiding Out
no one knows how
to approach me
have i been crying
am i in pain
no one understands
me
no clues will i give
i make people play
a sad guessing game
as i sink further into
despair
i recon I only have myself
to blame
at times i peek from my
lonely spot
maybe my eyes will give
away my secrets
as footsteps head into my
direction
i disappear-
i’m not ready to be found
yet
this mental cat and mouse
game i play betting against
myself
just might make me regret…
to approach me
have i been crying
am i in pain
no one understands
me
no clues will i give
i make people play
a sad guessing game
as i sink further into
despair
i recon I only have myself
to blame
at times i peek from my
lonely spot
maybe my eyes will give
away my secrets
as footsteps head into my
direction
i disappear-
i’m not ready to be found
yet
this mental cat and mouse
game i play betting against
myself
just might make me regret…
Closure
My days are numbered
I wait and close my eyes
The winds are still; died
down
Ravenous vultures circle the skies
the sun is starting to set
Clouds are roaming fast and free
Birds make their ways to barren
nests
high upon leafless trees
The stars are staring downward
The moon-a witness to all
My final steps await me
I have risen-now I shall
fall...
I wait and close my eyes
The winds are still; died
down
Ravenous vultures circle the skies
the sun is starting to set
Clouds are roaming fast and free
Birds make their ways to barren
nests
high upon leafless trees
The stars are staring downward
The moon-a witness to all
My final steps await me
I have risen-now I shall
fall...
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