Funhouse

the chandelier fell to the ground
oh, it made such a magnificent
sound
tiny crystals everywhere-
dancing in the debris caused many
cuts on me
i’m staring at the sores where i continue
to bleed
but i don’t care
i’m getting ready to go on a roller coaster ride
at the fair
flying high until the clouds kiss me
not thinking about the people below who swear
that they miss me
now gravity is taking its harsh effect
crashing down, i have no safety net
i am becoming a nervous wreck
thank God there were more crystals around
more dancing, more sharpness jabbing into my
skin
back at the carnival, i’m inside a room that
spins
many times the sun has come and left again
i’m being forced to leave the fun and games behind
the carnival owner told me i couldn’t afford any more
good times
violent images are flashing through my mind
i’m not too familiar with this strange place
i don’t remember any of these people’s faces
things seem to be so horribly wrong
i cry yet no one seems to hear my pleading
song
why am i being kept from the sky where i belong?
i keep hearing whispers about how lucky i am to be
alive
my mom and dad are here, but they won’t offer me a
lift-
they just babble on about how my life is a precious gift
if only they could experience an ounce of the pain I’m dealing
with
closing my eyes, i can’t help but continue to cry
i share my tears with my family as i beg them to help me
die

Making Deals with the Grim Reaper

my troubles i try to keep to myself
i hate to drag others down
in the murky waters of my pain they might drown
so i self medicate in order to ease my mind
do not judge me, sometimes i'm my own worst enemy
so to the dives, the gutters and the "candy" houses i roam
staying home becomes hard and i start to go crazy
well meaning folks give sermons until i start to feel hazy;
their words harming my psyche instead of really saving me
the people i meet never really ask questions
i keep them guessing with every sip, every pill popped
memories fly by as my eyes flutter, i no longer suffer
warmth wraps me in a cocoon in the corner of a room
i lay in my spot, lazy smile creeping on my face
in the filthy surroundings i never feel out of place
when i come back to earth, those warm feelings are replaced
i dust myself off and return to my abode
back from my hours long vacation, my loved ones i'm now facing
they surround me, taking my space and making it heard to breathe
spitting out a bunch of "You need tos" making me want to leave
until i feel one of my young nephews tugging on my sleeve
i feel betrayed, but start crying when i hear what he had to say:
"Auntie, I love you. Please don't disappear anymore!"
i give him a hug, kiss his cheek then head for the door
my mind's racing, i grab my cellphone but don't know who to call
back into the night, i stalk the streets until the daylight
when will everyone learn that my battles are my own to fight

First Person Shooter

I find myself in a stand-off position
You’re trying to keep your wallet and taking it
is my mission
Use any cliché you want to validate my
Stance
You bypassing me on this street with your money?
Not a chance
My ribs are touching, my kid needs clothes and my
sister’s going to the clinic
Tears are streaming down your face
You’re trying to reason with me like I’m gonna
grant you 15 minutes
The look in your eye is defiant
Go ahead and try it
Please believe that I’m holding my nine
Who gives a fuck if you’ve been robbed before
After having dinner with your whore
Oh well, shit’s happening one more time
So now you’re holding something shiny
Hands shaky, your weapon is pointing at my
dome
My hammer’s cocked, loaded and locked
When all is said and done, I’ll be the one heading
home
My out stretched hand is getting tired, man
Gimmie your shit and realise that you just got
got
Otherwise, fuck it, I’ll go ahead and buck it
Snatch your shit up anyway-just another dumb ass
That chose to get shot
See there you go, wise choice you tossing the
wallet and gun on the ground
Before I grab my prize, I look you in the eyes and
See there’s not another soul to be found…
BLAM!
Nothing personal, can’t leave any witnesses around.

Mental Gun to My Own Head

If I didn’t put all of my thoughts
my emotions
my heart on paper
I’d be like a lost soul
roaming around in search of
a savior
Like those guys walking around
mumbling incessantly to imaginary
friends
Emptying their heads for days on end
I can’t go to sleep while my brain
continues our conversation
I become a midnight marauder
Only it’s my mind that partakes in the
slaughter
Tales of sexuality, mental issues,
abuse in all kinds of forms
The ink coming from a never ending
supply of my life’s blood
My head a reservoir after all of my
brainstorms
At times it’s therapeutic,
sometimes I write to music
I have this fear that if every idea
I get isn’t copied the minute I get it
I’d lose it
I know what it’s like
to sit up night after night
Getting cramps in my hands
and crying because I’m too tired to
write
Taking something to zone out
Crawling into my bed
But something makes me get up
So I often pass out at my desk
instead
In this ongoing battle
my body and brain each wants
control
My sanity is the prize
Consider this message an SOS from
my soul

Joy From the Pain of Others

i find happiness in a another person’s
tears
their whimpers, their desperation, frustration
and fears
when all signs of hope have faded
when sadness lingers around
my smiles become evident-while everyone else
recovers from having their lives crashing
down
superiority fills me up-
if only for a moment
while others wonder where their joy in life
went
it’s selfish of me, that I’m fully aware
but something mean deep inside me simply choose
not to care
however
while my apathetic ways are widely known
i wonder
will someone just like me smirk when i have tears
of my own

Consequences after the Clock Struck Twelve

I deserved every strike and blow across my face
The stomping of the boots these kids were giving me
made my insides scream out
The kicking, the spitting and throwing trash all over
me made me vomit
But I refused to put up a fight
I opened my arms and welcomed the abuse like a long
lost son
One of the teens pissed on me and I willingly bathed in
the acrid smelling liquid
Soon one of the kids realized that I seemed to enjoy the pain
and summoned his crew to leave
“Sicko!” he yelled at me and gave me one last kick in the
back for good measure

I’m known for being the town kook; the one parents pulled their
children away from when they see me walking down the street
They pointed their fingers at me and gave me angry looks
At the time, I did nothing to garner such treatment
I always gave to the transients lying on the street; handing out
food only to have it thrown back at me-
They never throw the money back, but then again who would
I visited soup kitchens to help out but always got turned away
I could never find someone to play chess with me in the park
On Halloween, kids never visited my house for candy-
after awhile I stopped going to the store and buying it
No one wanted to have anything to do with me,
until one day I came across a man stumbling out of a bar

He was so handsome, and was actually smiling at me
I turned around because I just knew his attention wasn’t for me
He half walked, half stumbled over to me and asked me my name
“Rose” I answered and found myself blushing for the first time
in a long while
he told me his name was “Andrew” and threw his arm around me
Andrew told me that I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen,
But I knew that it was the alcohol he’d drank that was talking
I asked him if he wanted a cab home, but he told me that he
didn’t want to go anywhere unless it was with me
I giggled, but he insisted, then gave me a hug and to feel his
warmth on me was like a slice of heaven; I couldn’t resist
I drove him back to my place so that I could receive more affection
I hadn’t had shown me in ages

We sat down on my couch and he wanted a little more to drink
I fixed him a Vodka Tonic and he was happy when I handed him the glass
I did most of the talking while he sipped and laughed
Then he pulled me close and placed a kiss on me that left me speechless
“You are so beautiful…” he kept repeating over and over like some kind
of mantra
A fire sparked inside of me that I though long extinguished
Still, I pulled away when he tried to kiss me again
“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea…” I started while pacing the floor
He grabbed my hand and told me that he didn’t want to be anywhere else
at the moment
I reminded him that he was drunk and not thinking clearly
“What if I brought you hear to do you harm?” I asked sheepishly
He laughed it off and grabbed me and I landed in his lap; we kissed again
Soon, we made our way to my bedroom

He took off his clothes and threw them in a heap on the floor
I hesitantly started shedding some articles before cutting off the light
“Why are you hiding yourself?” he asked, before reminding me how
beautiful I was again
Once more, I told him that we should not continue
I apologized but his demeanor changed and he became impatient
I knew what was happening was wrong, but that sexual need I had
went unheeded for so long that I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to
Andrew forgot about the lights as he entered me, kissing my neck and
running his fingers through my hair
His skin felt like silken gold against mine as he clutched my hands just
as we both neared climax
I literally had tears of joy as Andrew lied down next to me and fell asleep
in my arms
I finally felt like the luckiest woman in the world

The morning brought forth a familiar coldness as Andrew pushed me
out of bed
He demanded to know what those sores I had on my arms and legs
were from, but before I could explain he slapped me hard, knocking me
down
Blood trickled from the side of my mouth
He then went to my medicine cabinet and found the many pill bottles I had
Before he could come at me again, I locked the door to my room and
threatened to call the police
Andrew called me such filthy names before accusing me of trying to kill
him; that hurt me to my core
I heard a few things crash in my livingroom before Andrew slammed the
door
I tried to warn him, albeit feebly
We both were foolish but it is I who should shoulder most of the blame

So there I was, lying in pain on the ground in an alley where mice were scampering
past my face
Every since that night about a week ago, everywhere I went I heard more whispers
than I normally did
Eyes that watched me like a hawk before burned even harsher into my fragile skin
The fingers pointing at me doubled and when I walked past the bar Andrew came
out of the owner spotted me through the window and slammed the door shut
One particular day that I decided to take a short cut home from the local store
a bunch of kids surrounded me, calling me things Andrew did that night
Were some of them his relatives, maybe a younger brother or cousin perhaps
They began taunting me, yet no one came to my defense
There were people in the street, but they turned their backs to me and shunned
me, leaving me helpless
I tried to run, but there were too many and I soon found myself trapped in the alley
The first kid had sandy hair like Andrew and he shot the first punch that knocked
me down in a heap
Then the kicking and spitting followed, but I never put up a fight
Only after the vicious onslaught did I allow myself to cry
I laid on the ground until the sun made its way west and not a soul came to my
rescue

When I was well enough to move, it was then when I decided to flush all the AIDS medication in my medicine cabinet out
I was in so much pain, but I never called my doctor or the police
I haven’t eaten nor drank in three days as I began to feel weak, lying in all my filth
Each time I pass out I wonder it if will be the last time my eyes will see the ceiling
Hopefully God will prove merciful and not allow me to wake up the next time I fall
asleep

Breadcrumbs

i was heading home just the other day
but somehow i seemed to lose my way
i had left from a most beautiful place
there was this woman with a luminous face
she smiled and told me to not be a stranger
she didn't want me to go, told me that life was
full of danger
why was i leaving her all alone
when she was providing me with a wonderful home
all the gifts a person could ever own
i had to admit i was missing the love i was shown
that's why i left behind breadcrumbs

as soon as i went back to her loving arms
i became a slave to her luxurious charms
all alone just the two of us amongst the stars
everywhere she went i was never that far
behind her
although some have said that i've been blinded
by her
if my eyes are truly closed then i don't want to see
it's hard to describe how excited she makes me
and i know this isn't supposed to be my reality
so when i have a rare moment of clarity
i try to leave, then a wave of uncertainty overcomes me
and i feel numb
then i'm scrambling looking for those breadcrumbs

lately she has started showing me her jealous ways
punishing my attempts at independence for many days
turning her back on me so that i could feel the coldness
laughing as i crumble at her feet rendering me quite useless
how could such a loving lady become a bitter mistress
just because my true home had been left behind
and i had to take care of things as i haven't been there for
a long time
i head out into the world determined to never return
then i start shaking, running back only to get burned
this is an eternal lesson for me to learn
i'll always be looking for those breadcrumbs...