Sunday, September 16, 2007


the chandelier fell to the ground
oh, it made such a magnificent
tiny crystals everywhere-
dancing in the debris caused many
cuts on me
i’m staring at the sores where i continue
to bleed
but i don’t care
i’m getting ready to go on a roller coaster ride
at the fair
flying high until the clouds kiss me
not thinking about the people below who swear
that they miss me
now gravity is taking its harsh effect
crashing down, i have no safety net
i am becoming a nervous wreck
thank God there were more crystals around
more dancing, more sharpness jabbing into my
back at the carnival, i’m inside a room that
many times the sun has come and left again
i’m being forced to leave the fun and games behind
the carnival owner told me i couldn’t afford any more
good times
violent images are flashing through my mind
i’m not too familiar with this strange place
i don’t remember any of these people’s faces
things seem to be so horribly wrong
i cry yet no one seems to hear my pleading
why am i being kept from the sky where i belong?
i keep hearing whispers about how lucky i am to be
my mom and dad are here, but they won’t offer me a
they just babble on about how my life is a precious gift
if only they could experience an ounce of the pain I’m dealing
closing my eyes, i can’t help but continue to cry
i share my tears with my family as i beg them to help me

Making Deals with the Grim Reaper

my troubles i try to keep to myself
i hate to drag others down
in the murky waters of my pain they might drown
so i self medicate in order to ease my mind
do not judge me, sometimes i'm my own worst enemy
so to the dives, the gutters and the "candy" houses i roam
staying home becomes hard and i start to go crazy
well meaning folks give sermons until i start to feel hazy;
their words harming my psyche instead of really saving me
the people i meet never really ask questions
i keep them guessing with every sip, every pill popped
memories fly by as my eyes flutter, i no longer suffer
warmth wraps me in a cocoon in the corner of a room
i lay in my spot, lazy smile creeping on my face
in the filthy surroundings i never feel out of place
when i come back to earth, those warm feelings are replaced
i dust myself off and return to my abode
back from my hours long vacation, my loved ones i'm now facing
they surround me, taking my space and making it heard to breathe
spitting out a bunch of "You need tos" making me want to leave
until i feel one of my young nephews tugging on my sleeve
i feel betrayed, but start crying when i hear what he had to say:
"Auntie, I love you. Please don't disappear anymore!"
i give him a hug, kiss his cheek then head for the door
my mind's racing, i grab my cellphone but don't know who to call
back into the night, i stalk the streets until the daylight
when will everyone learn that my battles are my own to fight

First Person Shooter

I find myself in a stand-off position
You’re trying to keep your wallet and taking it
is my mission
Use any cliché you want to validate my
You bypassing me on this street with your money?
Not a chance
My ribs are touching, my kid needs clothes and my
sister’s going to the clinic
Tears are streaming down your face
You’re trying to reason with me like I’m gonna
grant you 15 minutes
The look in your eye is defiant
Go ahead and try it
Please believe that I’m holding my nine
Who gives a fuck if you’ve been robbed before
After having dinner with your whore
Oh well, shit’s happening one more time
So now you’re holding something shiny
Hands shaky, your weapon is pointing at my
My hammer’s cocked, loaded and locked
When all is said and done, I’ll be the one heading
My out stretched hand is getting tired, man
Gimmie your shit and realise that you just got
Otherwise, fuck it, I’ll go ahead and buck it
Snatch your shit up anyway-just another dumb ass
That chose to get shot
See there you go, wise choice you tossing the
wallet and gun on the ground
Before I grab my prize, I look you in the eyes and
See there’s not another soul to be found…
Nothing personal, can’t leave any witnesses around.

Mental Gun to My Own Head

If I didn’t put all of my thoughts
my emotions
my heart on paper
I’d be like a lost soul
roaming around in search of
a savior
Like those guys walking around
mumbling incessantly to imaginary
Emptying their heads for days on end
I can’t go to sleep while my brain
continues our conversation
I become a midnight marauder
Only it’s my mind that partakes in the
Tales of sexuality, mental issues,
abuse in all kinds of forms
The ink coming from a never ending
supply of my life’s blood
My head a reservoir after all of my
At times it’s therapeutic,
sometimes I write to music
I have this fear that if every idea
I get isn’t copied the minute I get it
I’d lose it
I know what it’s like
to sit up night after night
Getting cramps in my hands
and crying because I’m too tired to
Taking something to zone out
Crawling into my bed
But something makes me get up
So I often pass out at my desk
In this ongoing battle
my body and brain each wants
My sanity is the prize
Consider this message an SOS from
my soul

Joy From the Pain of Others

i find happiness in a another person’s
their whimpers, their desperation, frustration
and fears
when all signs of hope have faded
when sadness lingers around
my smiles become evident-while everyone else
recovers from having their lives crashing
superiority fills me up-
if only for a moment
while others wonder where their joy in life
it’s selfish of me, that I’m fully aware
but something mean deep inside me simply choose
not to care
while my apathetic ways are widely known
i wonder
will someone just like me smirk when i have tears
of my own

Consequences after the Clock Struck Twelve

I deserved every strike and blow across my face
The stomping of the boots these kids were giving me
made my insides scream out
The kicking, the spitting and throwing trash all over
me made me vomit
But I refused to put up a fight
I opened my arms and welcomed the abuse like a long
lost son
One of the teens pissed on me and I willingly bathed in
the acrid smelling liquid
Soon one of the kids realized that I seemed to enjoy the pain
and summoned his crew to leave
“Sicko!” he yelled at me and gave me one last kick in the
back for good measure

I’m known for being the town kook; the one parents pulled their
children away from when they see me walking down the street
They pointed their fingers at me and gave me angry looks
At the time, I did nothing to garner such treatment
I always gave to the transients lying on the street; handing out
food only to have it thrown back at me-
They never throw the money back, but then again who would
I visited soup kitchens to help out but always got turned away
I could never find someone to play chess with me in the park
On Halloween, kids never visited my house for candy-
after awhile I stopped going to the store and buying it
No one wanted to have anything to do with me,
until one day I came across a man stumbling out of a bar

He was so handsome, and was actually smiling at me
I turned around because I just knew his attention wasn’t for me
He half walked, half stumbled over to me and asked me my name
“Rose” I answered and found myself blushing for the first time
in a long while
he told me his name was “Andrew” and threw his arm around me
Andrew told me that I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen,
But I knew that it was the alcohol he’d drank that was talking
I asked him if he wanted a cab home, but he told me that he
didn’t want to go anywhere unless it was with me
I giggled, but he insisted, then gave me a hug and to feel his
warmth on me was like a slice of heaven; I couldn’t resist
I drove him back to my place so that I could receive more affection
I hadn’t had shown me in ages

We sat down on my couch and he wanted a little more to drink
I fixed him a Vodka Tonic and he was happy when I handed him the glass
I did most of the talking while he sipped and laughed
Then he pulled me close and placed a kiss on me that left me speechless
“You are so beautiful…” he kept repeating over and over like some kind
of mantra
A fire sparked inside of me that I though long extinguished
Still, I pulled away when he tried to kiss me again
“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea…” I started while pacing the floor
He grabbed my hand and told me that he didn’t want to be anywhere else
at the moment
I reminded him that he was drunk and not thinking clearly
“What if I brought you hear to do you harm?” I asked sheepishly
He laughed it off and grabbed me and I landed in his lap; we kissed again
Soon, we made our way to my bedroom

He took off his clothes and threw them in a heap on the floor
I hesitantly started shedding some articles before cutting off the light
“Why are you hiding yourself?” he asked, before reminding me how
beautiful I was again
Once more, I told him that we should not continue
I apologized but his demeanor changed and he became impatient
I knew what was happening was wrong, but that sexual need I had
went unheeded for so long that I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to
Andrew forgot about the lights as he entered me, kissing my neck and
running his fingers through my hair
His skin felt like silken gold against mine as he clutched my hands just
as we both neared climax
I literally had tears of joy as Andrew lied down next to me and fell asleep
in my arms
I finally felt like the luckiest woman in the world

The morning brought forth a familiar coldness as Andrew pushed me
out of bed
He demanded to know what those sores I had on my arms and legs
were from, but before I could explain he slapped me hard, knocking me
Blood trickled from the side of my mouth
He then went to my medicine cabinet and found the many pill bottles I had
Before he could come at me again, I locked the door to my room and
threatened to call the police
Andrew called me such filthy names before accusing me of trying to kill
him; that hurt me to my core
I heard a few things crash in my livingroom before Andrew slammed the
I tried to warn him, albeit feebly
We both were foolish but it is I who should shoulder most of the blame

So there I was, lying in pain on the ground in an alley where mice were scampering
past my face
Every since that night about a week ago, everywhere I went I heard more whispers
than I normally did
Eyes that watched me like a hawk before burned even harsher into my fragile skin
The fingers pointing at me doubled and when I walked past the bar Andrew came
out of the owner spotted me through the window and slammed the door shut
One particular day that I decided to take a short cut home from the local store
a bunch of kids surrounded me, calling me things Andrew did that night
Were some of them his relatives, maybe a younger brother or cousin perhaps
They began taunting me, yet no one came to my defense
There were people in the street, but they turned their backs to me and shunned
me, leaving me helpless
I tried to run, but there were too many and I soon found myself trapped in the alley
The first kid had sandy hair like Andrew and he shot the first punch that knocked
me down in a heap
Then the kicking and spitting followed, but I never put up a fight
Only after the vicious onslaught did I allow myself to cry
I laid on the ground until the sun made its way west and not a soul came to my

When I was well enough to move, it was then when I decided to flush all the AIDS medication in my medicine cabinet out
I was in so much pain, but I never called my doctor or the police
I haven’t eaten nor drank in three days as I began to feel weak, lying in all my filth
Each time I pass out I wonder it if will be the last time my eyes will see the ceiling
Hopefully God will prove merciful and not allow me to wake up the next time I fall


i was heading home just the other day
but somehow i seemed to lose my way
i had left from a most beautiful place
there was this woman with a luminous face
she smiled and told me to not be a stranger
she didn't want me to go, told me that life was
full of danger
why was i leaving her all alone
when she was providing me with a wonderful home
all the gifts a person could ever own
i had to admit i was missing the love i was shown
that's why i left behind breadcrumbs

as soon as i went back to her loving arms
i became a slave to her luxurious charms
all alone just the two of us amongst the stars
everywhere she went i was never that far
behind her
although some have said that i've been blinded
by her
if my eyes are truly closed then i don't want to see
it's hard to describe how excited she makes me
and i know this isn't supposed to be my reality
so when i have a rare moment of clarity
i try to leave, then a wave of uncertainty overcomes me
and i feel numb
then i'm scrambling looking for those breadcrumbs

lately she has started showing me her jealous ways
punishing my attempts at independence for many days
turning her back on me so that i could feel the coldness
laughing as i crumble at her feet rendering me quite useless
how could such a loving lady become a bitter mistress
just because my true home had been left behind
and i had to take care of things as i haven't been there for
a long time
i head out into the world determined to never return
then i start shaking, running back only to get burned
this is an eternal lesson for me to learn
i'll always be looking for those breadcrumbs...

Even the Darkest Night is followed by a New Day

i'll never forget the night i was sitting
on the side of my bed
praying real hard while holding a loaded gun to my head
i've done enough crying, and wishing my struggles away
only to be hit with the same shit the next
my boss was on my ass on a daily basis
saying that he had enough with all the lateness
told me to get out of his face whining about my asthmatic
child, he reminded me that my problems were all my own
not one ounce of sympathy shown, so many evenings i had to
leave my ten year old alone at home
placing a loaf of bread on the counter, a couple slices of
lunch meat to eat in the fridge, so much for taking care of
my kid
reminding her not to answer the phone, open the front door
and to finish her chores after a ton of homework
i barely spend time with her after i leave work, the tv being
a babysitter
i'd give anything to be able to spend more time with her
but feeling myself falling apart with the weight of the world
on my shoulders
i wanted to blow my brains out, and not deal with the world being
my finger on the trigger, about to cock and blast
my sweet little angel popped in my room, i had to stash the gun
away fast
looking into her sleepy eyes, my most cherished prize
it gave me the spark to change my whole way of thinking
life may not be full of joys, but i wasn't on a boat sinking
i kissed my princess, then tucked her back in her bed
then i fell to my knees, said another prayer with no tears shed
thanking God my child didn't find me in a pool of blood

I Need to Use You

I know our relationship
is supposed to be give
and take
But today, baby it can’t be the same-
not even for our love’s sake
There’s so much shit going on
that it’s hard to explain
You’ll want to come over and
But all I’ll feel is drained
Don’t worry-I want you around
There are things that you can do
This may sound cold and harsh
I need to use you

Please don’t question my needs
or try to fix what’s in my
I’m in selfish mode right now
Just comply with my wishes instead
Lay me down and caress me
Tell me things will be ok-
lie if you must
That’s all the words that need to be
You’re here strictly for lust
Sorry I can’t help you right now
I know you had a fucked up day
All those troubles will have to wait
When you come, I will use you

My body is yours-you know what
it needs
I close my eyes and anticipate
Your hands, your lips, your mouth,
and dick
I need release; it’s so hard to wait
Skin on skin; sweat dripping all
Make me scream so that I can
I had to take you for granted this one
little night
Please know that I do love you
I’ll understand the day you’ll
need to use me back


Now I know what I am
Not yet who
but just what
It’s not my fault
but the damage is done
There is no cure
no matter what I’ve been
Denial is a Band-Aid
that keeps slipping
Words are not too strong
a medicine
It is a cure
It is a strength
I’m still not too sure
The calculation will

A Passage in Her Journal

the sky had a 2:1 ratio of
blue over black for now
'One Way' signs seemed to
be on every other block
a familiar car glides to
the same beat of the girl's
she's been followed for the
past five minutes or so

the windows were tinted so
dark; she was surprised the
driver never got a ticket
like a dog seeking a master
the vehicle took turns rolling
behind her
as well as next to her
but it never went ahead

any other day, she would
have been annoyed and told
the driver to "Fuck Off!"
while running away-
that's ironic
today she was running away to
flee her troubles at home
her duffel bag with a pink
teddy bear's head sticking
out started to get heavy
but she was doing fine until
that car showed up

on impulse she stopped and the
car stopped as well
she nearly touched the door
handle but thought twice
the shiny chrome was getting
dimmer as the night was
banishing the day to a far away
a street light flashed but she
was barely able to make out a
the driver never moved from his
sitting position

she started to walk backwards
keeping her eye on the car-
it never moved an inch
she couldn't tell if the driver
was looking at her from the rear
view mirror or was about to exit
the motorized lodging
all she knew was the trace of
temptation to investigate was
replaced by a gut reaction to
return home
that flash of heat that shot down
her chest towards her inner thighs
earlier turned cold

suddenly the problems at home became
more trivial as she retraced her steps
back to her safe haven
the car remained in it's spot and she
wondered if it would find her again
should she decide a week's punishment
was too much to bear

maybe she was as spoiled as everyone said...

A March Drive-by

we sat on my couch sipping
on raspberry rum
the sweet burn making my mouth scorch
while the heat of the liquor going down
made me glisten with sweat
i turned my head towards my shy
date and realized that we were gonna
get it on
“Drink up!” i teased, and grinned as his
body started to loosen up after draining the rum
his hand landed on my thigh and he blushed-
but he never removed that hand

i swooped in with a kiss that nearly made him
drop his glass
he fumbled to place the glass on the table and
i couldn’t give a shit if it made it there or not
my heaving chest was begging for his hands
to go there-to reach under the shirt, dammit and
let those sensitive tits free from the restraining bra
he took a swig out of my glass then complied as the trace
of rum in his mouth had my nipples like pencil erasers
my hands went to his crotch and was i ever surprised
to grab a more than a handful of hard dick instead of jeans;
the turtle was taking the lead in this race now

gone were the clothes as i poured the liquor on his
chest and let my tongue follow suit past his “Happy
Trail” and towards the throb
i appreciated the grooming as my head went up and down
like a merry-go-round horse as a slew of Oh shit!s and Damn!s
flew out of his mouth
he grabbed my ass and messaged it as his hips kept bucking
he soon flipped the script and had my thighs around his ears
as he had me calling the Lord, God, Jehovah, Hayah or Jesus
i didn’t have to direct traffic as he knew his way around
downtown; taking slow turns and dipping in and out of tunnels
he had me at turned out status before reaching for the Trojan
Magnums in his wallet and walking towards my room
i did a little dance and clapped softly before following-
he wasn’t fronting as he needed those Magnums…

that liquor made old braveheart lay on his back with his hands
clasped behind his head-i climbed on top and my walls were gripping
for traction as i didn’t want to be impaled
he challenged me with a “C’mon, now!” and that’s when i took it like
a champ and got to riding the dick like i was trying to make it to work
he was trying to wreck the infrastructure, but kitty wasn’t a punk
then he lifted me up and had me on my knees as his balls were playing
slap boxing with my ass
my face in the pillow biting and screaming into it like the bed banging
around wasn’t going to have the neighbors complaining
his grip on my hips tightened and he quickened his pumping and before
long we both didn’t want to see the spazzed looks in each other’s faces
as we came hard, me for the second time

he was granted an overnight stay, with a sausage, grits, cheese eggs, toast and
the sports section of the paper breakfast
he might have walked in a lamb, but he came out a lion

Survive the Night

Something in the wind gives me a
I turn over to my baby and he’s sleeping
Walking over to close the window gave me a
This just may be the end of us
He’s laying on his back with a peaceful
I cowardly write a note detailing about my need
for space
As I slide in my jeans to take off into the
The end is near; I’d like to avoid a nasty
I have my reasons for letting him go
Even when I was telling the truth when I told him
I loved him so
My fear of commitment made me
ponder until the daylight
I snuggle next to his warm body
We survived another night…


I’m nothing more than a glorified hooker. I just spent the last 15 minutes blowing my married “boyfriend” in his car, which was parked in an abandoned warehouse parking lot. I even supplied the tissues and tossed them out the car while he sat back grinning like a Cheshire cat. He had the nerve to stroke my hair and the look of venom I shot him froze that shit up. He knew I was pissed because today was the day we were supposed to go out for the first time. He swore that he was too paranoid to take me someplace nice. “Why can’t we go somewhere way out of town?” I’d insist, but he’d never answer. Of course when he called me, I could tell by the way he was hemming and hawing that dinner wasn’t going to happen. “I don’t have that much time to spend with you today…” he began and I knew what was up. “I guess you’re my trick again.” I snapped just to make him feel like the piece of shit he was. He began mumbling about feelings and I had to cut him off: “Please don’t. Just have my money like you promised and don’t give me any bullshit about forgetting your ATM card neither!” I hung up the phone on his ass.

As usual, he picks me up at the local mall not far from his job. I want to laugh when I see his wrinkly, balding ass coming to swoop me up in his black convertible. “You’re just a sexy motherfucker, ain’t you?” I always ask and that just tickles him to death. It makes me want to vomit since he actually believes this shit. He’s just a sight, wearing shades with the few hairs he does have on his head combed over—sometimes, just to mess with him I flick my fingers through the sparse bird’s nest just to make him whine. “Why don’t you just shave that shit off?” I once blurted out and hurt his feelings. I had to smooth things over (as well as his 5 strands of hair) that day to make him happy. At least one of us was happy that day.

Whenever I get home from our “outings” I wash him off of me and just stare into the mirror. “What are you doing?” I ask myself always, and then I lapse into denial about him being my ‘Mr. Right Now’ until the real thing comes along. Then I get on the phone and laugh it up with my girlfriends about him never lasting more than 90 seconds and how he tricked me off that day. “Girl…I wish I had an old man like that…” one out the group would usually say while the other would echo her sentiments. I roll my eyes every time because each one of those heifers actually has someone. None of them have to hike up their skirts and get fucked like a dog in a parked car or in some skeevy motel with hourly rates. None of them are alone on Valentine’s Day. And none of them have to curl up to cold gift cards and cash to keep them warm at night. They’re the lucky ones and don’t even know it.

Yea I know…why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I tell him to go to hell and end this shit? I dunno…I’ve become ice cold and have hardened myself since fooling with this man for the past two years. I went from “I’ll have my fun for a little while…” to “He’s all I have.” I’ve developed a prostitute’s mindset and that frightens me. I don’t know how to be affectionate. I wouldn’t know how to react if a kind man happened to approach me—I’d probably tell the ‘loser’ to fuck off. Without a fist full of 20’s in his hand he would be wasting my motherfucking time. I don’t even get a chill shooting down my spine for thinking that way anymore. I’m damaged goods.

So, as I become more lazy and stagnant in my situation, I can’t ask anyone to feel sorry for me. This man has a wife and 3 kids at home, and one away at college. I can’t think about them though. As long as I continue to leave red lipstick rings around his dick and whoop and holler for our 1-½ minutes in the sack, I’ll be ok. Well, that is until he gets tired of me; then I’ll be on the lookout for another sugardaddy.

Hiding Out

no one knows how
to approach me
have i been crying
am i in pain
no one understands
no clues will i give
i make people play
a sad guessing game
as i sink further into
i recon I only have myself
to blame

at times i peek from my
lonely spot
maybe my eyes will give
away my secrets
as footsteps head into my
i disappear-
i’m not ready to be found
this mental cat and mouse
game i play betting against
just might make me regret…


My days are numbered
I wait and close my eyes
The winds are still; died
Ravenous vultures circle the skies
the sun is starting to set
Clouds are roaming fast and free
Birds make their ways to barren
high upon leafless trees
The stars are staring downward
The moon-a witness to all
My final steps await me
I have risen-now I shall