the world is moving very slowly
waves of comfort protect me from
pain
when people talk it's like
"blah, blah, blah"
my eye lids weigh 1000 pounds-
i reach for the cup again
there's a bond between my bed and
me
a dopey grin stretches my lips
my brain is playing the sweetest
lullaby
i can't hold a decent conversation-
yet i take another sip
a waking feeling is sinking in
i panic-my day is getting too damned
bright
my nerve endings are coming back full
blast
a moment of clarity
an obvious solution
time to bid the world goodnight
Monday, August 27, 2007
Xanaxadu
fragile like an egg
the armor made of shell
It cracks at the slightest touch
Pieces of my mind
scattered all over the ground
I didn't think I'd need it so
much
I try to form words
simple syllables fail me
My expressionless face conveys lack of
feelings
Little dots of blue
usually linked with sadness
But it's my happiest of hues
The lights in my eyes ablaze with some
meaning
I smile
at the children are playing games outside
I laugh
The sun has pushed the bullying clouds
aside
I leave
my claustrophobic home filled with those
little dots of blue behind
I lose
the newly found pieces of my mind
The shell has cracked
The irritable alter ego has come back
home
and the doors are locked it seems forever
The little dots of blue
a necessity for the irrational psyche
Gold is worthless metal compared to this
mental treasure
I smile
The angry giant is falling fast asleep
I drift
The remnants of regret is hidden deep
I dream
of pretty snowflakes of white so pure
I wake up
and realize that there is no cure
the armor made of shell
It cracks at the slightest touch
Pieces of my mind
scattered all over the ground
I didn't think I'd need it so
much
I try to form words
simple syllables fail me
My expressionless face conveys lack of
feelings
Little dots of blue
usually linked with sadness
But it's my happiest of hues
The lights in my eyes ablaze with some
meaning
I smile
at the children are playing games outside
I laugh
The sun has pushed the bullying clouds
aside
I leave
my claustrophobic home filled with those
little dots of blue behind
I lose
the newly found pieces of my mind
The shell has cracked
The irritable alter ego has come back
home
and the doors are locked it seems forever
The little dots of blue
a necessity for the irrational psyche
Gold is worthless metal compared to this
mental treasure
I smile
The angry giant is falling fast asleep
I drift
The remnants of regret is hidden deep
I dream
of pretty snowflakes of white so pure
I wake up
and realize that there is no cure
Hurts To Be Your Friend
It was your idea to keep everything
platonic between us
I wanted so much more
but all you wanted was her
To witness the love you have
for this other woman
brings so much hate into my
soul-
I'm only human
That fateful night
when you looked into my eyes
and words were not necessary
But then you gave me a kiss
and said it wasn't meant to be
It hurts to this day
but there's no way I can pretend
My heart doesn’t want to let
go
When you see me and you have her
by the hand
Try to understand how it will hurt
to be your friend
platonic between us
I wanted so much more
but all you wanted was her
To witness the love you have
for this other woman
brings so much hate into my
soul-
I'm only human
That fateful night
when you looked into my eyes
and words were not necessary
But then you gave me a kiss
and said it wasn't meant to be
It hurts to this day
but there's no way I can pretend
My heart doesn’t want to let
go
When you see me and you have her
by the hand
Try to understand how it will hurt
to be your friend
Invigoration
I saw her in the rain-
just standing there
as if a bus was coming
This wasn’t a commercial
street
This cul-de-sac was quiet;
pleasant trees and shrubs
She stood out like an
enticing
yet still sore thumb
She turned around and
caught my gaze
I blushed like a little boy
Could she see the lust in
my eyes
Oh how I wanted to caress
her face
Smell her long brown hair
Feel the fabric that was
pinned down by water drops
all over her beautiful body
Maybe take her hand in mine
Nothing too overt
I liked the way my heart
was racing
How alive I felt when she
smiled at me
I was happy that she didn’t
think I was some pervert
out to take advantage of her
Then a car pulled up;
her chariot had arrived
She waved ‘Goodbye’ to me
and then she was gone
Instantly
my bones remembered that
they ached
The steadiness of my hands
gave way to a familiar
shake
If I see her tomorrow
I’ll work up the courage
to ask her if she’d like to
go for a walk
just standing there
as if a bus was coming
This wasn’t a commercial
street
This cul-de-sac was quiet;
pleasant trees and shrubs
She stood out like an
enticing
yet still sore thumb
She turned around and
caught my gaze
I blushed like a little boy
Could she see the lust in
my eyes
Oh how I wanted to caress
her face
Smell her long brown hair
Feel the fabric that was
pinned down by water drops
all over her beautiful body
Maybe take her hand in mine
Nothing too overt
I liked the way my heart
was racing
How alive I felt when she
smiled at me
I was happy that she didn’t
think I was some pervert
out to take advantage of her
Then a car pulled up;
her chariot had arrived
She waved ‘Goodbye’ to me
and then she was gone
Instantly
my bones remembered that
they ached
The steadiness of my hands
gave way to a familiar
shake
If I see her tomorrow
I’ll work up the courage
to ask her if she’d like to
go for a walk
Sugarbabies
Caramel in the heat
Waltzing down hot city streets
So sweet
Sugar Babies tempt and taunt
Making men want
Mercilessly haunting until eyes
are transfixed
Licking of lips and desiring of a
fix
Sugar Babies trick
Much laughter when hearing what
men are after
They may be sweet but they aren’t
nice
Sugar Babies entice and if the price
is right
Sweetness may be in your life-
but only for one night
Your continued need isn’t their
plight
It is now daylight
Sugar Babies must hit those streets
Dazzling more with their tempting
treats
Waltzing down hot city streets
So sweet
Sugar Babies tempt and taunt
Making men want
Mercilessly haunting until eyes
are transfixed
Licking of lips and desiring of a
fix
Sugar Babies trick
Much laughter when hearing what
men are after
They may be sweet but they aren’t
nice
Sugar Babies entice and if the price
is right
Sweetness may be in your life-
but only for one night
Your continued need isn’t their
plight
It is now daylight
Sugar Babies must hit those streets
Dazzling more with their tempting
treats
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
In Awe of Him Despite His Way
he's a dog-
and he revels in it
his stories of fooling the
easily fooled women in his
life make me laugh
thank God i'm a relative
and not his next victim
the tales run from
fairly tame to graphic
he's a misogynist
yet i'm drawn in
and want to be around
him
am i learning how a
snake thinks
am i gaining knowledge
to prevent becoming
someone's naive girl
i'm not sure-
it's entertaining listening to
his braggadocio
i keep getting tempted to
cry on his shoulders about
a lover who has done me
wrong
could i expect comfort from
family
or be reminded that it's all
part of the game
and he revels in it
his stories of fooling the
easily fooled women in his
life make me laugh
thank God i'm a relative
and not his next victim
the tales run from
fairly tame to graphic
he's a misogynist
yet i'm drawn in
and want to be around
him
am i learning how a
snake thinks
am i gaining knowledge
to prevent becoming
someone's naive girl
i'm not sure-
it's entertaining listening to
his braggadocio
i keep getting tempted to
cry on his shoulders about
a lover who has done me
wrong
could i expect comfort from
family
or be reminded that it's all
part of the game
Drama Queen in an Empty Palace
Self pity
to say that my days
are a miserable shade of gray
is an understatement...
to my dismay
staring into my four corners of doom
my eyes so glassy inside my barren room
banging and beating the walls with my head
painting a mosaic of disturbing red
my mind is racing at a frantic pace
wondering how i landed in such a horrible place
hallucinating for hours on end
now is when the fun begins...
Morbid thoughts
i give up
i don't want to try anymore
everything hurts-
i'm tired of being sore
no more pain
all of my troubles would leave
just by closing my eyes
and refusing to breathe
False Rise of the Phoenix
is that a flicker of hope
dancing in front of me
barely within my reach
but what a joy to see
such a long time in denial
about needing to be saved
could this be the miracle-
the ending to my darkest days
alas it's only a dream-
a fairytale fast drifting away
To be continued...
someday
to say that my days
are a miserable shade of gray
is an understatement...
to my dismay
staring into my four corners of doom
my eyes so glassy inside my barren room
banging and beating the walls with my head
painting a mosaic of disturbing red
my mind is racing at a frantic pace
wondering how i landed in such a horrible place
hallucinating for hours on end
now is when the fun begins...
Morbid thoughts
i give up
i don't want to try anymore
everything hurts-
i'm tired of being sore
no more pain
all of my troubles would leave
just by closing my eyes
and refusing to breathe
False Rise of the Phoenix
is that a flicker of hope
dancing in front of me
barely within my reach
but what a joy to see
such a long time in denial
about needing to be saved
could this be the miracle-
the ending to my darkest days
alas it's only a dream-
a fairytale fast drifting away
To be continued...
someday
NIMBY
I’m back to my pitiful ways
hiding in the shadows for days
Watching normal folks talking long
walks
While I perch on garbage cans having
long talks
with myself
Yes
this is a postcard of my mental health
facilities and hospitals I go through their
revolving doors
After a two day stay I’m not allowed back
anymore
My aunt is tired of officers dropping me off
at her house
Sometimes I sleep around in order to crash
on people’s couches
Subways are mainstays
My pets are rats and pigeons with wings clipped
by brats
On sunny days I’m on display at the park
like some fucked up urban exhibit
“See, looks what happens when you don’t go to
school!”
The mom drops a dollar in my paper coffee cup
but junior sees me hold my middle finger up
I flash my lurid smile
To his mother’s side runs the frightened child
When my liquid medicine runs out
I find another place to stay:
Yet another pissy alleyway
Hiding in the shadows for a few more
days
until society decides that I’m a menace
again…
hiding in the shadows for days
Watching normal folks talking long
walks
While I perch on garbage cans having
long talks
with myself
Yes
this is a postcard of my mental health
facilities and hospitals I go through their
revolving doors
After a two day stay I’m not allowed back
anymore
My aunt is tired of officers dropping me off
at her house
Sometimes I sleep around in order to crash
on people’s couches
Subways are mainstays
My pets are rats and pigeons with wings clipped
by brats
On sunny days I’m on display at the park
like some fucked up urban exhibit
“See, looks what happens when you don’t go to
school!”
The mom drops a dollar in my paper coffee cup
but junior sees me hold my middle finger up
I flash my lurid smile
To his mother’s side runs the frightened child
When my liquid medicine runs out
I find another place to stay:
Yet another pissy alleyway
Hiding in the shadows for a few more
days
until society decides that I’m a menace
again…
Drained
I know he’s tired of me
I’m just his emotional bag lady
Always full of gloom and doom
Always bring his spirits down
Everytime I call his name
in my sleep, his ears burn
Whenever I see him, he looks at
me with disdain
When we were kids, we joked about
getting married someday
However that was when he “loved” me
I guess my self-pity
threatened to devour us both
I told him that I knew his
feelings for me were faltering
He said that I was just being
insecure as usual
I tried to give him sex
to let him know that I existed
This childish stunt has failed
me miserably; his eyes have lost their
life
A caged bird reminds me whenever
he and I are alone
I supposed it is time for me
to let him
go
I’m just his emotional bag lady
Always full of gloom and doom
Always bring his spirits down
Everytime I call his name
in my sleep, his ears burn
Whenever I see him, he looks at
me with disdain
When we were kids, we joked about
getting married someday
However that was when he “loved” me
I guess my self-pity
threatened to devour us both
I told him that I knew his
feelings for me were faltering
He said that I was just being
insecure as usual
I tried to give him sex
to let him know that I existed
This childish stunt has failed
me miserably; his eyes have lost their
life
A caged bird reminds me whenever
he and I are alone
I supposed it is time for me
to let him
go
Monday's Child
red bruise, new bruise
it happens every day
everyday the same news
in any kind of way:
"who hurt your leg?"
his mother asked
the one she'd broken
now hung in a cast
he looked at the doctor
and let out a sigh
"I did, mommy."
was his innocent reply
five weeks later, three more burns
it was an important lesson
to learn
"remember, you didn't
get those marks from me.
You got them when
you fell out of the tree."
One hit too many
he fell on the kitchen tile
No more excuses to make-
that was the end of
Monday's Child
it happens every day
everyday the same news
in any kind of way:
"who hurt your leg?"
his mother asked
the one she'd broken
now hung in a cast
he looked at the doctor
and let out a sigh
"I did, mommy."
was his innocent reply
five weeks later, three more burns
it was an important lesson
to learn
"remember, you didn't
get those marks from me.
You got them when
you fell out of the tree."
One hit too many
he fell on the kitchen tile
No more excuses to make-
that was the end of
Monday's Child
Permission to Cry
I want to cry…
I am having a shitty day today, but this wonderful man is coming over to see me. He thinks I’m funny and cute and we talk all the time on the phone. We joke around and we never run out of things to say. Kisses are blown through the phone before we hang-up.
I need to cry…
Just about anything that could go wrong today did. From a can of soda spilt on my freshly mopped floor, to my child giving me attitude when I questioned her about her report card. I took away her privileges to make her concentrate more and now I feel like a bad mom. She’s in bed early for misbehaving and in a few hours, this bubbly, warm and patient man is coming to see me for a few fleeting moments just to see how I am.
I’m trying not to cry…
The last thing I want to do is appear to be this needy, baggage carrying lady. How can I open the door and before I can say Hello tears start streaming down my face? Who needs that? People have problems of their own and the thought of having wet shoulders from the sobbing isn’t attractive. Maybe he will think that the giggly part of me is some façade to hide some deep issues. Sure, there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but everyone have days like that once in awhile. How do I reassure him that I won’t run to him for every little thing that happens?
I just won’t cry.
I am having a shitty day today, but this wonderful man is coming over to see me. He thinks I’m funny and cute and we talk all the time on the phone. We joke around and we never run out of things to say. Kisses are blown through the phone before we hang-up.
I need to cry…
Just about anything that could go wrong today did. From a can of soda spilt on my freshly mopped floor, to my child giving me attitude when I questioned her about her report card. I took away her privileges to make her concentrate more and now I feel like a bad mom. She’s in bed early for misbehaving and in a few hours, this bubbly, warm and patient man is coming to see me for a few fleeting moments just to see how I am.
I’m trying not to cry…
The last thing I want to do is appear to be this needy, baggage carrying lady. How can I open the door and before I can say Hello tears start streaming down my face? Who needs that? People have problems of their own and the thought of having wet shoulders from the sobbing isn’t attractive. Maybe he will think that the giggly part of me is some façade to hide some deep issues. Sure, there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but everyone have days like that once in awhile. How do I reassure him that I won’t run to him for every little thing that happens?
I just won’t cry.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Allergic to Latex
I knew it was wrong
but it’s too late to turn
back
The sex wasn’t too
safe-
I’m trying to relax
I hope his eyes didn’t
lie
when he explained his
past
Clothes were coming off
We were moving way too
fast
My brain was pissed at my
vagina
How could she let rawness be
inside her
The passion was overflowing
My legs wrapped around his torso
not letting go
I didn’t want to think about
consequences
Drowning in the lust
Exploding when he bust
I know life isn’t about taking stupid
chances
as we lay together naked
legs intertwined
I’m searching for peace of
mind
What will happen to us
Do we continue to play with
fire
Get lost in desire
or
use common sense next time
but it’s too late to turn
back
The sex wasn’t too
safe-
I’m trying to relax
I hope his eyes didn’t
lie
when he explained his
past
Clothes were coming off
We were moving way too
fast
My brain was pissed at my
vagina
How could she let rawness be
inside her
The passion was overflowing
My legs wrapped around his torso
not letting go
I didn’t want to think about
consequences
Drowning in the lust
Exploding when he bust
I know life isn’t about taking stupid
chances
as we lay together naked
legs intertwined
I’m searching for peace of
mind
What will happen to us
Do we continue to play with
fire
Get lost in desire
or
use common sense next time
Water
The softness of water
So slick
Manipulated with fingertips
A sensual sand
Guided by hand
Eyes open by the surprise
Of heat in between
Thighs
water flowing on neck
and creating ripples
into a valley on the chest
stimulating nipples
gravity pulling water
in streams around the
hips
so inviting one dares take a
sip
tripping on a high like no
other
water quenches the fire
and bellies desire of
lovers
shimmering down legs like
a storm
around the feet
a sexy treat as a puddle is
formed
from head to toe
a luscious crawl
dripping so slow
water
So slick
Manipulated with fingertips
A sensual sand
Guided by hand
Eyes open by the surprise
Of heat in between
Thighs
water flowing on neck
and creating ripples
into a valley on the chest
stimulating nipples
gravity pulling water
in streams around the
hips
so inviting one dares take a
sip
tripping on a high like no
other
water quenches the fire
and bellies desire of
lovers
shimmering down legs like
a storm
around the feet
a sexy treat as a puddle is
formed
from head to toe
a luscious crawl
dripping so slow
water
Can't Do This Anymore
Can't Do This Anymore
shut up and listen:
more imposed guilt
means more of a
defense wall built
don't you understand
that constantly flinging
accusations my way is
like expecting flowers to
grow from sand
meaning
it makes no sense
your emotional strangulation
is relentless
and this makes me angry;
you're expecting a
rekindled love
while i'm trying to avoid
you and your mental mess
it all adds up to stress
a thing i try to do without
you tell me you want us
back together
but why have a relationship
filled with doubt?
so...
no more talk of a lost year
take all of your costly tears
and let them fill an ocean
for you to set sail
you're turning me into an enabler;
thinking being in my arms is
good, but things won't be well
must we cry on the phone?
just because you don't want to be
alone
now it's i who has a heart of stone?
if that's the case
fine,
i'll be the bad guy
here's the kiss to say goodbye:
if you come around, i won't be home
in other words, it's time to move on
Only Detours and Exits
I am at peace with what I’m doing
A life of comfort is one that I’m pursuing
No more struggling, my pockets were strained
Not a bit of help from family, no ties
remain
I get sideway glances
I take many chances
I drown out each and every “How can you?”
I’m already damaged
Jaded beyond all recognition
Blinded to all except intense ambition
A need to succeed and attain my dreams
I’m no longer bothered by judgmental people and their
eye beams
Love is a complication for my occupation
No excuses for the amount of mouths to feed
I have just myself, along with all of my needs
There are no rosy pictures about my station in life
There’s no turning back for choosing to be a ho
and not a wife
A high-rise on the Upper East Side is what I call
home
Lying next to designer tags and my checkbook when
I feel all alone
Then I get a ring on my phone, another client needing
my attention
I’m on call 24/7, no holidays, sick days and mainly working
vacations
Yea, at times when I look into the mirror many tears flow
I even have some regrets about putting a price on my soul
At the age of 32, I’ve had almost 20 years under my belt
I won’t be making any life changes; I don’t have that much time
left…
A life of comfort is one that I’m pursuing
No more struggling, my pockets were strained
Not a bit of help from family, no ties
remain
I get sideway glances
I take many chances
I drown out each and every “How can you?”
I’m already damaged
Jaded beyond all recognition
Blinded to all except intense ambition
A need to succeed and attain my dreams
I’m no longer bothered by judgmental people and their
eye beams
Love is a complication for my occupation
No excuses for the amount of mouths to feed
I have just myself, along with all of my needs
There are no rosy pictures about my station in life
There’s no turning back for choosing to be a ho
and not a wife
A high-rise on the Upper East Side is what I call
home
Lying next to designer tags and my checkbook when
I feel all alone
Then I get a ring on my phone, another client needing
my attention
I’m on call 24/7, no holidays, sick days and mainly working
vacations
Yea, at times when I look into the mirror many tears flow
I even have some regrets about putting a price on my soul
At the age of 32, I’ve had almost 20 years under my belt
I won’t be making any life changes; I don’t have that much time
left…
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I Have my Moments of Lucidity
Throughout my darkened ways
the many tears I’ve cried
I’ve waxed poetic about my last days
on earth
But in all honesty, I really don’t
want to die
I have no right to complain,
my problems are merely a few
Sometimes I magnify the amount of
pain I feel
not recognizing the atrocities others go
through…
Genocide, females forcefully circumcised, homelessness
worldwide
Disease bringing Third World Countries to their
knees
Holes in the ozone layer have me wondering if any of my
descendants will have answers to their prayers
The ‘War On Drugs’ is nothing but a joke that’s not
funny
We could be a nation of junkies if the government could
make some money
For the record, I support our troops keeping me and mine
safe-
but where’s the WMDs?
How many more of our guys have to bleed or die?
Bring them home or admit that their mission isn’t to find Bin Laden-
It’s more a suicide
There’s so much more to decry, but I have my own burdens
Call me introspective or selfish, but I feel helpless as I am but one
person
And like many I crawl back inside my little pity hut
I leave long enough to vote, then scamper back home and slam the
door shut
Peeking out of my windows as the world passes me by
Falling back into depression, or is it personal regression?
I need to pop a little pill as I obsess over that question…
the many tears I’ve cried
I’ve waxed poetic about my last days
on earth
But in all honesty, I really don’t
want to die
I have no right to complain,
my problems are merely a few
Sometimes I magnify the amount of
pain I feel
not recognizing the atrocities others go
through…
Genocide, females forcefully circumcised, homelessness
worldwide
Disease bringing Third World Countries to their
knees
Holes in the ozone layer have me wondering if any of my
descendants will have answers to their prayers
The ‘War On Drugs’ is nothing but a joke that’s not
funny
We could be a nation of junkies if the government could
make some money
For the record, I support our troops keeping me and mine
safe-
but where’s the WMDs?
How many more of our guys have to bleed or die?
Bring them home or admit that their mission isn’t to find Bin Laden-
It’s more a suicide
There’s so much more to decry, but I have my own burdens
Call me introspective or selfish, but I feel helpless as I am but one
person
And like many I crawl back inside my little pity hut
I leave long enough to vote, then scamper back home and slam the
door shut
Peeking out of my windows as the world passes me by
Falling back into depression, or is it personal regression?
I need to pop a little pill as I obsess over that question…
Ruined
Too addicted to the
feel good now
No room for just the
good
This type of tragedy
happens everywhere
In each walk of life-
in every neighborhood
Filled up on garbage
sweetened just to taste
Our children's nutritional
values
consist of toxic waste
TV, radio, audio, video
Sex, violence, drugs
empathy
Parents feel too much
pressure
Teachers never get much
sympathy
Such a cycle of failure
feel good now
No room for just the
good
This type of tragedy
happens everywhere
In each walk of life-
in every neighborhood
Filled up on garbage
sweetened just to taste
Our children's nutritional
values
consist of toxic waste
TV, radio, audio, video
Sex, violence, drugs
empathy
Parents feel too much
pressure
Teachers never get much
sympathy
Such a cycle of failure
Baby got it bad
i’m aching all over
can’t get warm
too many tears spilling
on bed sheets
im in the eye of the
storm
the phone refuses to
ring
my cigarette is burning
in the ashtray
my world is falling apart-
i didn’t get my fix
today
i can’t get it together
i’ve taken too many
aspirins within an
hour
a glass of scotch is
glued to my right hand
i haven’t eaten in two
days
i need a long hot shower-
fixing the mess which is
me
requires so much power
this state im in
makes me want to
peel my
skin
love and/or drugs
i’m crippled by my
addiction(s)
can’t get warm
too many tears spilling
on bed sheets
im in the eye of the
storm
the phone refuses to
ring
my cigarette is burning
in the ashtray
my world is falling apart-
i didn’t get my fix
today
i can’t get it together
i’ve taken too many
aspirins within an
hour
a glass of scotch is
glued to my right hand
i haven’t eaten in two
days
i need a long hot shower-
fixing the mess which is
me
requires so much power
this state im in
makes me want to
peel my
skin
love and/or drugs
i’m crippled by my
addiction(s)
Antihero
can’t you see
don’t you know that
he isn’t the one
i am
move past his perfect hair
teeth
skin
body
i am the one who holds
you
collect your tears on my
shoulder
clean the wounds of your
battered ego
you’re not
ugly
fat
or worthless
you are a prize
he cheats
lies
take
and never give
you are too precious
as we sit on the bed
my hands cradling
your crying face
why can’t you feel
my love
worship
adoration
yet I’m the one
demoted
the lowly friend
he doesn’t realize
the extra life he ruins
by hurting
you
don’t you know that
he isn’t the one
i am
move past his perfect hair
teeth
skin
body
i am the one who holds
you
collect your tears on my
shoulder
clean the wounds of your
battered ego
you’re not
ugly
fat
or worthless
you are a prize
he cheats
lies
take
and never give
you are too precious
as we sit on the bed
my hands cradling
your crying face
why can’t you feel
my love
worship
adoration
yet I’m the one
demoted
the lowly friend
he doesn’t realize
the extra life he ruins
by hurting
you
The Fall of Whimsy
on a tuesday
at a bookstore
my eyes feasted on the
displays
self help, cooking for 1
marriage for dummies
a hand brushed against mine
soft voice apologized
but i didn't mind
my smile betrayed the
loneliness i kept prisoner
alas-
the eyes that greeted me went
blank; i felt foolish
my head hung low
as i made my exit
footsteps approached, then
paused
turning around was something
i refused to do
at a bookstore
my eyes feasted on the
displays
self help, cooking for 1
marriage for dummies
a hand brushed against mine
soft voice apologized
but i didn't mind
my smile betrayed the
loneliness i kept prisoner
alas-
the eyes that greeted me went
blank; i felt foolish
my head hung low
as i made my exit
footsteps approached, then
paused
turning around was something
i refused to do
Monday, August 13, 2007
It's the Little Things...That Get Me Down
waking up is a chore
my day is all mapped out
life's becoming a bore
not much to be happy about
suffering is my job
the only thing i can do really
well
getting less scared of dying
i'm already living in my own
hell
it's getting harder to breathe
i can feel my ulcer growing
another five gray hairs
i can't keep my frustration from
showing
no need to cry anymore
it got too tiresome to do
so i sit and i sulk
it's not like my life's going to
improve
the cycle will never end
until my eyes can open no more
sleep is a short reprieve
from what life has in store
waking up is a chore...
my day is all mapped out
life's becoming a bore
not much to be happy about
suffering is my job
the only thing i can do really
well
getting less scared of dying
i'm already living in my own
hell
it's getting harder to breathe
i can feel my ulcer growing
another five gray hairs
i can't keep my frustration from
showing
no need to cry anymore
it got too tiresome to do
so i sit and i sulk
it's not like my life's going to
improve
the cycle will never end
until my eyes can open no more
sleep is a short reprieve
from what life has in store
waking up is a chore...
Doomsday
The world is changing every day, I
don’t like it much at all
Frantic people running nowhere fast
trample me when I fall
Not one hand reaches out to me
Such an ironic way to die
Then I wake up from my horrid dream-
the future makes me want to cry
Gadgetheads try to convince me
that it is time for me to conform
It’s such a shock to find out that
the way I was living my life was so far
from the norm
Children laugh at my archaic ways
Gloom and doom on the news spells
the end of my days
The many pills I take keeps me off the
edge
despite my inching closer to the ledge
A sea of people wants me to dive
With so much against me it hard to decide
I make my leap and the last thing that I
hear
are entertained people who clap and cheer
my suicide
don’t like it much at all
Frantic people running nowhere fast
trample me when I fall
Not one hand reaches out to me
Such an ironic way to die
Then I wake up from my horrid dream-
the future makes me want to cry
Gadgetheads try to convince me
that it is time for me to conform
It’s such a shock to find out that
the way I was living my life was so far
from the norm
Children laugh at my archaic ways
Gloom and doom on the news spells
the end of my days
The many pills I take keeps me off the
edge
despite my inching closer to the ledge
A sea of people wants me to dive
With so much against me it hard to decide
I make my leap and the last thing that I
hear
are entertained people who clap and cheer
my suicide
Permission to Cry
I want to cry…
I am having a shitty day today, but this wonderful man is coming over to see me. He thinks I’m funny and cute and we talk all the time on the phone. We joke around and we never run out of things to say. Kisses are blown through the phone before we hang-up.
I need to cry…
Just about anything that could go wrong today did. From a can of soda spilt on my freshly mopped floor, to my child giving me attitude when I questioned her about her report card. I took away her privileges to make her concentrate more and now I feel like a bad mom. She’s in bed early for misbehaving and in a few hours, this bubbly, warm and patient man is coming to see me for a few fleeting moments just to see how I am.
I’m trying not to cry…
The last thing I want to do is appear to be this needy, baggage carrying lady. How can I open the door and before I can say Hello tears start streaming down my face? Who needs that? People have problems of their own and the thought of having wet shoulders from the sobbing isn’t attractive. Maybe he will think that the giggly part of me is some façade to hide some deep issues. Sure, there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but everyone have days like that once in awhile. How do I reassure him that I won’t run to him for every little thing that happens?
I just won’t cry.
I am having a shitty day today, but this wonderful man is coming over to see me. He thinks I’m funny and cute and we talk all the time on the phone. We joke around and we never run out of things to say. Kisses are blown through the phone before we hang-up.
I need to cry…
Just about anything that could go wrong today did. From a can of soda spilt on my freshly mopped floor, to my child giving me attitude when I questioned her about her report card. I took away her privileges to make her concentrate more and now I feel like a bad mom. She’s in bed early for misbehaving and in a few hours, this bubbly, warm and patient man is coming to see me for a few fleeting moments just to see how I am.
I’m trying not to cry…
The last thing I want to do is appear to be this needy, baggage carrying lady. How can I open the door and before I can say Hello tears start streaming down my face? Who needs that? People have problems of their own and the thought of having wet shoulders from the sobbing isn’t attractive. Maybe he will think that the giggly part of me is some façade to hide some deep issues. Sure, there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but everyone have days like that once in awhile. How do I reassure him that I won’t run to him for every little thing that happens?
I just won’t cry.
Diamonds and Rhinestones
Fake words
from fake people
Seeing them walk around
trying to fool others
with their fake smiles and laughter
Pretending to be interested
makes me sick
These fake people copulate
and have fake children
Threatening to over populate
an already congested world in
desperate need of an
enema real quick
It angers me when the
few real people left become
lax
Befriending these imitation
lifeforms
Pleading their cases for acceptance
If I could I would
take
all those stupid real people and the
Fakes
and put them on an island
Hopefully they would destroy
each other by chance
Until then
I’ll surround myself with
real gems
who understand how frustrated
I get as well as understand how I
feel
It’s not easy picking diamonds
out from the rhinestones
You have to get burned before
developing a jeweler’s experience
of being able to separate the fake ones
from the real
from fake people
Seeing them walk around
trying to fool others
with their fake smiles and laughter
Pretending to be interested
makes me sick
These fake people copulate
and have fake children
Threatening to over populate
an already congested world in
desperate need of an
enema real quick
It angers me when the
few real people left become
lax
Befriending these imitation
lifeforms
Pleading their cases for acceptance
If I could I would
take
all those stupid real people and the
Fakes
and put them on an island
Hopefully they would destroy
each other by chance
Until then
I’ll surround myself with
real gems
who understand how frustrated
I get as well as understand how I
feel
It’s not easy picking diamonds
out from the rhinestones
You have to get burned before
developing a jeweler’s experience
of being able to separate the fake ones
from the real
Invigoration
I saw her in the rain-
just standing there
as if a bus was coming
This wasn’t a commercial
street
This cul-de-sac was quiet;
pleasant trees and shrubs
She stood out like an
enticing
yet still sore thumb
She turned around and
caught my gaze
I blushed like a little boy
Could she see the lust in
my eyes
Oh how I wanted to caress
her face
Smell her long brown hair
Feel the fabric that was
pinned down by water drops
all over her beautiful body
Maybe take her hand in mine
Nothing too overt
I liked the way my heart
was racing
How alive I felt when she
smiled at me
I was happy that she didn’t
think I was some pervert
out to take advantage of her
Then a car pulled up;
her chariot had arrived
She waved ‘Goodbye’ to me
and then she was gone
Instantly
my bones remembered that
they ached
The steadiness of my hands
gave way to a familiar
shake
If I see her tomorrow
I’ll work up the courage
to ask her if she’d like to
go for a walk
just standing there
as if a bus was coming
This wasn’t a commercial
street
This cul-de-sac was quiet;
pleasant trees and shrubs
She stood out like an
enticing
yet still sore thumb
She turned around and
caught my gaze
I blushed like a little boy
Could she see the lust in
my eyes
Oh how I wanted to caress
her face
Smell her long brown hair
Feel the fabric that was
pinned down by water drops
all over her beautiful body
Maybe take her hand in mine
Nothing too overt
I liked the way my heart
was racing
How alive I felt when she
smiled at me
I was happy that she didn’t
think I was some pervert
out to take advantage of her
Then a car pulled up;
her chariot had arrived
She waved ‘Goodbye’ to me
and then she was gone
Instantly
my bones remembered that
they ached
The steadiness of my hands
gave way to a familiar
shake
If I see her tomorrow
I’ll work up the courage
to ask her if she’d like to
go for a walk
Agnostic Me
despite what you may think
i have my own personal relationship
with God
no i do not go to any one of his
conveniently placed houses of worship
but i know that He hears me
and it's not only when i call on Him
when i'm feeling at my lowest point
no,
it's not only when i call on Him to
watch over my loved ones
i can sit on my bed and start dialogue
at anytime day or night just when i want
to feel His presence
so keep your theories about me being confused
to yourselves
i don't need to choose a certain path in order
to show Him my love and devotion
and what gives you the right to dictate where
my soul will go when i've breathed my last
breath
i want to listen in on the other end of this
"special" line you have to God while he dictates His
will as you've ordained yourself His personal secretary
He created us all in his image so just as He can
tell who has Him in their hearts and who truly
believe in His work
God also has the ability to refuse entrance into
His Kingdom the false prophets who spread His word
while breaking The Commandments
it isn't i who need to be reminded-maybe it is
you
i have my own personal relationship
with God
no i do not go to any one of his
conveniently placed houses of worship
but i know that He hears me
and it's not only when i call on Him
when i'm feeling at my lowest point
no,
it's not only when i call on Him to
watch over my loved ones
i can sit on my bed and start dialogue
at anytime day or night just when i want
to feel His presence
so keep your theories about me being confused
to yourselves
i don't need to choose a certain path in order
to show Him my love and devotion
and what gives you the right to dictate where
my soul will go when i've breathed my last
breath
i want to listen in on the other end of this
"special" line you have to God while he dictates His
will as you've ordained yourself His personal secretary
He created us all in his image so just as He can
tell who has Him in their hearts and who truly
believe in His work
God also has the ability to refuse entrance into
His Kingdom the false prophets who spread His word
while breaking The Commandments
it isn't i who need to be reminded-maybe it is
you
Dark Solitude
Dark Solitude
A crack in the sky
Lightning racing across the
horizon
Lights flickering
I grab my candles
Cutting off the electricity
and humming to myself
Earlier I demanded to be left
alone
and I got my wish at the
wrong time
I reach for my cell
my fingers dialing your
number
I get a recording and
hang up-
I left a message already today
I want you to hold me
Rock with me on the rug
back and fourth
Taking my mind off the
thunder claps
Soon the storm blows over
The rain merely a spritz
The phone chimes and I catch
the first ring
I needed to hear your voice
To tell you that our argument
was foolish
We could be making love in
twenty minutes
Feeling you inside of me would
make me forget the names you
called me
I would ask you to forgive me for
my own ugly words
A familiar voice on the other side;
it wasn’t you, but someone dear
told me to pour myself a drink
It was our friend Patti who hooked
us up
I started to babble about our stupid
fight
She told me to shut up and drink,
fighting back tears
Immediately I felt hollow inside
I didn’t want Patti to continue
Tuning her out best I could, only
the words swerve, accident, tree and a
weepy “I’m so sorry, Bella!”
I cut the lights off again,
lighting candles while I cry
Ignoring the phone and knocks at
the door
I don’t want others to hold me
To tell me that everything was going
to be alright
From you
I knew that it was true
From everyone else
it’s all just pleasant lies to ease a pain
I refuse to let heal
A crack in the sky
Lightning racing across the
horizon
Lights flickering
I grab my candles
Cutting off the electricity
and humming to myself
Earlier I demanded to be left
alone
and I got my wish at the
wrong time
I reach for my cell
my fingers dialing your
number
I get a recording and
hang up-
I left a message already today
I want you to hold me
Rock with me on the rug
back and fourth
Taking my mind off the
thunder claps
Soon the storm blows over
The rain merely a spritz
The phone chimes and I catch
the first ring
I needed to hear your voice
To tell you that our argument
was foolish
We could be making love in
twenty minutes
Feeling you inside of me would
make me forget the names you
called me
I would ask you to forgive me for
my own ugly words
A familiar voice on the other side;
it wasn’t you, but someone dear
told me to pour myself a drink
It was our friend Patti who hooked
us up
I started to babble about our stupid
fight
She told me to shut up and drink,
fighting back tears
Immediately I felt hollow inside
I didn’t want Patti to continue
Tuning her out best I could, only
the words swerve, accident, tree and a
weepy “I’m so sorry, Bella!”
I cut the lights off again,
lighting candles while I cry
Ignoring the phone and knocks at
the door
I don’t want others to hold me
To tell me that everything was going
to be alright
From you
I knew that it was true
From everyone else
it’s all just pleasant lies to ease a pain
I refuse to let heal
Allergic to Latex
Allergic to latex
I knew it was wrong
but it’s too late to turn
back
The sex wasn’t too
safe-
I’m trying to relax
I hope his eyes didn’t
lie
when he explained his
past
Clothes were coming off
We were moving way too
fast
My brain was pissed at my
vagina
How could she let rawness be
inside her
The passion was overflowing
My legs wrapped around his torso
not letting go
I didn’t want to think about
consequences
Drowning in the lust
Exploding when he bust
I know life isn’t about taking stupid
chances
as we lay together naked
legs intertwined
I’m searching for peace of
mind
What will happen to us
Do we continue to play with
fire
Get lost in desire
or
use common sense next time
I knew it was wrong
but it’s too late to turn
back
The sex wasn’t too
safe-
I’m trying to relax
I hope his eyes didn’t
lie
when he explained his
past
Clothes were coming off
We were moving way too
fast
My brain was pissed at my
vagina
How could she let rawness be
inside her
The passion was overflowing
My legs wrapped around his torso
not letting go
I didn’t want to think about
consequences
Drowning in the lust
Exploding when he bust
I know life isn’t about taking stupid
chances
as we lay together naked
legs intertwined
I’m searching for peace of
mind
What will happen to us
Do we continue to play with
fire
Get lost in desire
or
use common sense next time
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